Lessons Learned from Friendship Breakups

Friendship breakups are hard. Sometimes even harder than romantic breakups, because of the esteemed place that a friend holds in your life as a companion and a confidante.

Why do friendship break ups even happen? There are plenty of reasons why friends might breakup, and maybe these examples will resonate with you:

• Someone leaves town and you lose touch
• Moving in different directions in life
• Differences in values
• Breakup in response to a boundary being set
• Someone distances themself in response to personal challenges
• Unwillingness to address conflict directly

I’ve always said that in my life, I don’t tend to lose friends. And it’s been generally true (ask my friends!) But in thinking about friendship breakups, I realized that in each decade of my life, I experienced a major friendship breakup for one reason or another. For me, losing a friend prompts a period of self-reflection and also recuperation. Being someone who typically has friends for life, friendship break ups are painful, and sometimes difficult to manage emotionally.

So take it from me, as someone who has long-term friends and has lost significant friendships. These are the major lessons that I learned.

Friendship breakups don’t tend to be sudden
If it feels like a friendship breakup is happening out of nowhere, it could be that underlying issues have never been expressed or worked through. Just like in a romantic relationship when your needs aren’t met, someone calling it quits on a friendship can blindside you. Whether it happens in the heat of an emotional moment, or seems completely out of the blue, it rarely is random.

Your life is not the only thing going on around you
If you’re going through a tough time, you may need to step back from your usual role in your friendships. To the best of your abilities, try to notice this and communicate this directly. This could help you avoid conflict when you’re less socially or emotionally available. Sometimes, you won’t notice until it’s too late—like if a friend calls you out for being less available and you’ve been too preoccupied to notice or reestablish your boundaries in advance. That’s a part of experiencing life, and a point that you can reflect on afterwards.

You probably have more social connections than you think
Were you one of those people during the pandemic who felt socially isolated as people formed their bubbles, or did you feel connected to others even if it meant no in-person contact? Friends and potential friends are no further than a tap away. (Although I recommend a phone call as a more personal way to reconnect.) Take a moment and look at your friends lists and contacts list. These are real and potential friends. It’s normal to have closer friendships with some people and more distant connections with others. I like to think of the Social Atom model of connections:

Acquaintances can become a closer friend, just like how close friends can become acquaintances or leave your social sphere altogether.

People are willing to deepen friendships
There’s something I noticed (again during the pandemic) that holds true for these times. And it’s that we can self-sabotage in the process of deepening friendships by assuming that people don’t want to be closer. People are willing to deepen friendships. And it seems like the main factors are personality, temperament and friendship skills. If you want to have more variety in your social connections and have more support as you recover from a friendship breakup, there are some things you need to do. Firstly, state your intention to prioritize friendships (e.g., "I'm prioritizing friendship in my life"), reach out consistently to make plans, and learn to keep your cool. Learning to keep your cool might mean using self-help resources or going to therapy to learn emotional regulation. Also, say YES to social opportunities often.

Your friend is not your therapist
In the closest of emotionally supportive friendships, sometimes a pseudo-therapeutic relationship can emerge. I strongly caution against developing this dynamic, since unspoken expectations can develop that can damage the friendship over time. This is why it’s helpful to have a therapist (whether you see them regularly or not) so that you have an appropriate place in your life to discuss deeper themes and receive crisis support.

Breakups can help to highlight fundamental differences
A friendship breakup can provide an opportunity to reflect on differences between you and your ex-friend. Some friendship end due to natural causes. For example, someone who makes statements against your personal beliefs or ethics may be someone who isn’t meant to be in your life long-term. If you fundamentally disagree on important topics, what is holding you together?

Keep an open dialogue in friendships about the relationship
Address concerns with your friend before they feel red hot. Sometimes it’s for good reason that you don’t address a concern right away. You might be considering how you feel, or taking time to think about how to bring it up. Don’t wait until you become resentful. Remember that just like in any relationship, YOU are responsible for addressing your unmet need until it feels resolved. So if multiple conversations are warranted, start those conversations.

Disappointing a friend doesn’t make you a bad person
You won’t always be able to show up for your friends in the way that you would like. And likewise, they can’t always show up for you in the way that you would want them to. Disappointment is a natural part of life, and learning to cope with this difficult emotion can help to prevent some issues in friendships.

There is joy after a friendship breakup
Losing a friend can feel like losing a lifeline or a part of yourself. As you re-connect with others and make new social connections, and as the time passes, you will feel joy again. The pain of loss is temporary, so you don’t need to hide from it. Remember the fond times and know that you will feel joy in friendships again.

The real ones will come back into your life
You need to trust the process on this one. I once experienced a sudden friendship breakup of a long-term friend. It was confusing and hard as I went through the stages of grief. A long while later, let’s say over a year, I received a message in support of something I was dealing with at the time, and this prompted our friendship to rekindle. We met for coffee and greeted one another with a hug and some tears and rekindled our friendship.

Friendship loss is hard. In the worst of scenarios, you need to rebuild yourself and establish new connections with people around you. In the best of scenarios, you can find peace through post-breakup reflections, or the friendship is reborn.

Do I still reflect on past friendship breakups? Absolutely, because they’ve tended to be connected to some personal challenge in my own life at the time—either a challenge outside of the friendship, or the loss itself is a challenge. It’s through the power of my community that I always recover and am reminded of my worth and positive qualities by those around me.